My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
