I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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