Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
