i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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