there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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