I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
