does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
