No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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