i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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