I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
