Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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