everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
My ATM looks so different sober.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
