"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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