Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
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