Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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