Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
