I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
She needs sedatives and a leash
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
