Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
