i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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