I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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