Where are you?
In a non slutty way
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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