pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Randomize
