When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
