I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
