im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
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