we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
