Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
you had me at cake vodka
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
