did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
