Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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