I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
