the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
