i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
