how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
