broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
