I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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