i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
