And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
