I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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