So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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