I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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