Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
