U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
