There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
