then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
