The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
