drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Randomize
