I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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