I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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