Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
