Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
