I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
