it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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