I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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